As women, whether we’re casually dating or looking for something serious with someone, we all eventually get to that point of asking ourselves if and when we should take it to the next level. Some of us wait 90 minutes, 90 days, 90 weeks, or until we say “I do” – your sex life, your rules. However, nothing sucks more than taking it there only to regret it down the road. I’ve found that almost every time a woman has felt this regret, it was due to not asking one or more of these questions. But fear no more! The list is here.
1. Do you have a clear understanding of HIS relationship status and are you OK with it?
You: “Are you dating anybody?”
Him: “I date around but I’m not in a committed relationship with anyone.”
Also You: What does date around mean? Is that code for actively smashing around? Is there someone out there that may think she is his girlfriend? If not, why did he and his last girlfriend even break up? Is he married or separated? If separated, is he still living with his wife?
Don’t be afraid to ask the questions to which you really want to know the answers because if you’re thinking about giving him the business then you need to make it your business to know his business. Just because you want to know if he is in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you want to be in a relationship. Being down for a fling doesn’t mean you want to hook up with someone who is completely off the market i.e. married. If he is giving ambiguous answers about his relationship status then run for the hills because even b.u.d.d.i.e.s have character guidelines.
2. Do you have a clear understanding of YALL’s relationship status and are you OK with it?
You: “What are we?”
Him: “We’re two people that like each other and enjoy each other’s company.” OR “I’m not seeing anybody else.”
Also You: What does that mean? I enjoy my dog’s company but we’re never going to be in a relationship. Does he see a future with me or does he need more time? OR He’s not seeing anybody else? Does that mean we’re in a relationship? Yikes, I’m not ready!
If you want to know the status of your relationship it doesn’t necessarily mean you want a relationship, it just means you want to make sure you both are on the same page. If it’s “too much, too soon” or “too soon, and not enough”, express yourself instead of convincing yourself that this won’t go bad even if you both are on totally different pages because it usually will. Don’t worry about coming off as too needy. It’s your body and sex life so you can be as “in need to be in a relationship or married” as you want to be. If you’re having fun then make sure you’re not leading him on.
3. Do you have a clear understanding of YOUR numbers and are you OK with it?
You To You: “How many partners have I had?”
Also You: Hmmm…Well #3, #4, and #12 don’t really count so that’s 1,2,3,4,5,6…
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying women should care about their numbers. But the fact is that a lot of women do care and it’s their body so they have every right. However, the worst person you can lie to is yourself talking about #3, #4, and #12 don’t count…yessss they do. If the last dude was #4, this one isn’t going to be #4 also, he is going to be #5. Be a big girl and count right or don’t count at all because there is no slut-shaming here. So before you get to a place of where you feel you need to start omitting, slow it down, and start checking off these boxes.
4. Do you have a clear understanding of his “bill of health” and are you OK with it?
You: “Have you been tested for STDs recently? Would you like to go together?“
Him: “I get tested every 6 months. I’m clean.”
You: “Ok cool, me too.”
Also You: Does that mean he hasn’t had sex in 6 months?
It’s great that you both tested negative for STDs on your last exam but unless neither of you has had sex post-exam then you are still at risk for exposing each other to an STD. African-Americans have some of the highest STD rates in the country so if anyone hesitates to provide you with them papers then run for the hills. Your health is to precious to take any chances.
5. Do you have a clear understanding of what is contraception and do you HAVE it on deck?
You: “I’m not on birth control so you good with condoms?”
Him: “We’re both clean so why do we have to use condoms?”
Also You: We’re not in a committed relationship, what if he hooks up with someone else and I get exposed to an STD? Does the pull out method work?
No, the pullout method does NOT work and if anyone attempts to have sex with you for the first time without contraception then again, run for the hills! It’s not just about babies and it’s not just about STDs, it’s about BOTH. You can’t be careless or irresponsible about acquiring a new sex partner because you just never know until you know, ya know?
In the end trust your gut, instincts, and intuition because even when you have these conversations you can’t guarantee honesty. No matter what you decide to do, communication is always key. Nobody wants to sign up for a casual fling or a serious relationship that they don’t want to be in. Responsible adults don’t have time for that.
The questions and required answers don’t have to stop here. I’m curious, what else is on your check list? Any surprising responses?
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